Day 127: Loving Others

Part of my vision for our marriage is that we’d not stop at loving each other, but would love others too. I want us to be so unified in our relationship that we spend much of our energy working together to help others rather than butting heads. That’s one of the reasons I’ve spent a lot of time fostering my love for you and our love for each other through 365.

Well, last night we took a first step in loving others. After dinner, we made an extra plate of food, then piled the fam into the car so we give the food to someone homeless. We already had a lady in mind, the one who begs in front of Trader Joe’s with her dog. We found her and gave her the food. She seemed excited and appreciative. And our girls enjoyed petting her dog.

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Day 110: Coffee Card

Per my commitment on day 107, I brought back the wildly popular five-dollar coffee card yesterday. Each time I’ve bought you coffee or a coffee card through 365, you’ve showered me with gratitude and affection. Last night was no different.

I needed to do some work after dinner, so I went to my office. Afterwards, I stopped by Starbucks and bought you a five-dollar coffee card and grabbed an empty coffee cup. I put the card in the cup, then came home. When you answered the door, I said, “I know how much you like Starbucks, so I brought you this paper Starbucks cup for you to put coffee in. Do you want me to make you some right now?” “Oh, thanks! I’ll use it for the hot chocolate I just made,” you replied with a comically exaggerated smile. I handed you the cup. You saw the card and shrieked, jumped up and down, and flung your arms around me, hugging me tightly.

Day 109: A Rose

For my second act (of the acts you seemed to most enjoy from the first 100 days—see day 107), I gave you a white rose. You certainly enjoy your weekly flowers, but you’ve come to expect them (which isn’t a bad thing). So I wanted to surprise you by bringing you a flower I don’t usually bring on a day you don’t usually get flowers.

With the rose, I wanted to give you a line of poetry written by me (which is something I haven’t done before through 365). Nothing big, just a single line of poetry. I spent a bit of time while doing chores trying to think of something nice, something elegant. I’m definitely not a poet, so I wasn’t expecting Pushkin-quality writing. But everything I came up with smacked of sappiness. So, I started over and embraced and even exaggerated the sappiness. Here’s what I gave you:

Less beautiful is this here rose,
Than either of your little toes,
And when I look upon your knee,
I’m filled with rapture and with glee,
No elbows found in all the land,
Are finer, neater, or more grand,
And if one looks upon your chin,
His adoration does begin,
No man nor child would hesitate,
Your uvula to adulate,
No waterscape with moonlit sand,
Could rival your pineal gland,
Your ears do strike each passerby
As prettier than earth and sky,
So all in all, you see, my dear,
You’re beautiful from toe to ear.

PS: Perhaps the world’s not ready for my poetic genius.

Day 108: Back Massage

On day 107, I decided that, for the next week, I would commit the kinds of acts from the first 100 days that you liked best. Well, I’m starting a day early. My first act was a back massage. You practically beg me to give you these, so I almost can’t go wrong by complying.

Sometimes, I know you have a certain need, but I’m not sure how to meet it or I know how to meet it but don’t have the right resources to meet it. Meeting your need for a back massage is so straightforward and easy. I love it!

Day 107: Meeting Your Needs

Months back, you asked me to go through my tools to get rid of the ones that were no longer usable. I put off doing it for so long that you stopped mentioning it. So, yesterday, I decided to get it done. You were relieved that I finally did it, but still didn’t understand why it took me so long. I’ll tell you why—utter laziness, which stems from self-centeredness

I committed this act because I’ve been thinking lately about how I put a bunch of time into this blog and into committing acts of love for you, but I put off doing certain things that you want me to do. (I don’t put stuff off at work. So my procrastination seems very selective.)

Then I started wondering (thanks to this blog) whether or not the acts I commit through 365 fulfill your needs. Here’s a (fictional) example: if you really need me to spend time with you and you don’t care for gifts, but I neglect my time with you to buy or make you gifts, then I’m not loving you very effectively.

In light of this, I asked you the other night whether or not I’m meeting your needs. You said you feel completely satisfied with how I’m showing you love and with our relationship. Great! Still, I decided that this next week, I’m going to commit those kinds of acts from the first 100 days that you seemed to like best (starts Sunday, ends Saturday). In addition, I’m going ask you to make a list of the things you want me to do around the house or whatever. I’ll work on completing that list.

Day 106: S’mores and Stars

Last night, I asked you if you wanted to roast marshmallows and look at the stars from our backyard. You said you very much wanted to and even called me a fun person. That made me feel great

I took our daughters to the store to get marshmallows and graham crackers for s’mores. (We didn’t buy chocolate because we already had some (we always have chocolate).) This gave you a small break, which is what I intended. When we came home, I fired up the grill and set up some chairs for our fun evening put on by a fun person (me!).

And how fun and perfect it was. The girls ran around the backyard eating their s’mores as we snuggled up together on a chair and looked at the stars. Even though the viewable stars were few, we could still see the Big Dipper and were still in awe of our big universe.

Here is my honest, albeit cornball reflection on last night. Whenever I look at the stars, I’m driven to consider life and meaning and my own (in)significance. While the universe is dark and vast, and the prospect of finding my way in it seems daunting, I’m comforted to know that the one who made the universe lights my way and you, my friend, are holding my hand.

Day 105: Ecard

For my 105th act of love, I sent an ecard to your email account that says I love you and hope you have a good day.

On another note, I’m glad our relationship’s changed for the better because work is getting really stressful and will be continually stressful for a while. Before 365, stress at work resulted in discord in our home. Now, stress at work results in unity. Instead of taking my stress out on you, I look (in part) to you for support, encouragement, and comfort. And you provide it. Of course, there has been some tension in our home since work’s gotten more stressful, but it’s not as great as it would’ve been before 365.

PS: You just walked through the room, but didn’t see what I was doing. It’s likely you’ll find out about this blog before it’s finished, but I’ll work hard to make sure that doesn’t happen.

Day 104: Our Wedding Video

After we put the girls to bed last night, I popped some popcorn and threw our wedding video into the DVD player. When we were about to start watching it, we heard our girls talking upstairs in their beds. We agreed that, though it might be fun to snuggle up together alone while watching our wedding video, it might be just as fun (more fun?) to show the video to our girls. So we called them down and enjoyed it as a family.

While watching the video, you kept smiling at me while holding and rubbing my hand. Afterwards, when the girls were in bed, you hugged me and told me you’re glad you married me. For a while, you wouldn’t let go of me and kept repeating what you said. I’m so glad I married you too.

I said I would maybe talk more about Keller’s book, so here’s a great quote from it:

Our culture says that feelings of love are the basis for actions of love. And of course that can be true. But it is truer to say that actions of love can lead consistently to feelings of love. Love between two people must not, in the end, be identified simply with emotion or merely with dutiful action. Married love is a symbiotic, complex mixture of both. Having said this, it is important to observe that of the two—emotion and action—it is the latter that we have the most control over. It is the action of love that we can promise to maintain every day (103).

Day 103: A Simple Act

In my effort to tone down my acts of love (for now) so as not to overwhelm you, I committed a very simple act yesterday: I gave you a long hug and told you that I love you and I’m glad I married you. You very much enjoyed that act of love and reciprocated my words of affirmation with your own. Though my big acts of love are great memory makers for us, I think you enjoy the little acts of love almost, if not just, as much.

Day 102: Timothy Keller’s _The Meaning of Marriage_

In the course of our marriage, I’ve read many hundreds of books and articles, but until I started 365, I hadn’t read much on marriage (shame, shame). In fact, as of a week ago, I hadn’t read a single book on marriage. That’s changed. For my 102^nd act of love, I read (over the course of several days) Timothy Keller’s The Meaning of Marriage. His book refined my view of marriage and was an excellent and interesting read.

In the coming days, I may post some of my thoughts on Keller’s book. For now, here are some things Keller said about selfishness that stood out to me:

Self-centeredness is a havoc-wreaking problem in many marriages, and it is the ever-present enemy of every marriage (56).

Self-centeredness by its very character makes you blind to your own while being hypersensitive, offended, and angered by that of others. The result is always a downward spiral into self-pity, anger, and despair, as the relationship gets eaten away to nothing (57).

If two spouses each say, “I’m going to treat my self-centeredness as the main problem in the marriage,” you have the prospect of a truly great marriage (65).

In light of Keller’s thoughts on selfishness, here’s a summary of what I’ve learned regarding my own selfishness through 365 Act of Love. Before 365, I was blinded by my own selfishness into thinking that I wasn’t all that bad and that you needed to turn yourself around. But 365 is changing that. I’m recognizing that selfishness is opposed to love and is death to marriage. (I knew that before, but merely intellectually.) I’m recognizing how selfish I am and the problems my selfishness causes for us. Now, I’m working (and God in me: Phil 2:12-13) to fight self-centeredness with self-sacrifice in order to reorient my heart. I know I’ve touched on these things before in this blog, but I can’t help but discuss what God’s been doing in my heart through 365.